A Better Class Of People

Stupendous Man’s Journal Oct 12, 2015
Left Cat’s apartment. Headed for former Goldberg’s bar. Now called Blip’s. The owner and Miss Buxley dance with no clothes on. Not as much fun as you might think. Interrogated Andy Capp. Said he knew nothing. Broke his fingers. Questioned Slim at Gasoline Alley. Asked for food. Knew nothing. Shattered his kneecaps. On my way to visit Milborough literary genius.
Really hope he doesn’t know anything.
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Michael Patterson traced his finger along his desk, and walked the length of his attic/office. Multiple unsold copies of Stone Season stood stacked in corners.
“ The Conservative dead. But, why?” Michael asked Stupendous Man as his wife brought up dinner for both of them.
“ You were always supposed to be Milborough’s golden boy, Michael. Smart, talented, a good father, a good son. You tell me.”
Michael put down his butter tart. “ I never claimed to be anyone special, Stupendous Man..” he started as he modeled his red and white tights with the Canadian maple leaf on the chest. “ I just have some enthusiastic literary and PR agents. How do you think this looks for the signing? I think I’ll sign them, ‘Your’s in Christ. Stay in school. Drugs aren’t cool. Your pal, Eh!Zymandias. ‘ Do you like that? I made it up myself”
Stupendous Man was about to break Michael’s fingers so he’d never write anything again when Deanna asked if they wanted seconds on casserole. Patterson is so lucky, Calvin thought.
“ Yes dear. Thank you. Anyway, could this have been a political killing? Trudeau’s people perhaps…?”
Calvin spooned up some mashed taters. “ Cat said same thing. Don’t believe it. America has Superlative Girl. Terrorists have been running scared since ‘05. I think we’ve got a toon killer.”
Michael sighed. Calvin was so not-me, he thought. “ I dunno. Fillmore had plenty of other enemies. Unpaid liquor tabs, auto insurance people…he was an accident waiting to happen when he got behind the wheel.”
Stupendous Man growled. “ He stood up for his country, Patterson. Spoke out against the mainstream liberal media. Never became a prostitute. Never used his reputation as a hack author…yes, I’m looking at you, Patterson….to become Captain Canada, alias Eh!Zymandias. Never cashed in on his reputation. I came to warn you about the toon killer, so you didn’t become the most beloved man in the morgue, but I guess there’s worse things to end up as. “
As Calvin walked out the attic window, he stopped. “ By the way, does Deanna have any more of those little hot dogs wrapped in pancakes? Those are great. Be seeing you.”
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Stupendous Man’s Journal Supplemental
Meeting with Patterson left me with bad taste in my mouth. Metaphorically speaking, I mean. Deanna may have shit taste in men, but she sure can cook. Patterson possibly homosexual? Yeah. Definitely. You’d have thought that would have made him cool.
Katina Furr just as bad. Liked her better when she stole and did coke. Why are there so few of us left without personality disorders?
Dick Tracy is still on the force, on probation for corruption.
Popeye runs a wharf side bar and grill where Wimpy leeches off of him. And prostitutes give oral sex to strangers.
The Phantom is pushing ninety. Son does not want to become twenty first Phantom. Wants to dance in Bolshoi Ballet instead.
Mandrake The Magician is making a living doing kids parties.
Only one name left on my list. This whole time, breaking into Camp Swampy /Military Testing grounds. Sarge was on duty. Easy Peasy.
I plan to tell the world’s most powerful, most wonderful, strongest, most talented, gifted, and beautiful and self-assured woman that someone is planning to kill her.
Wouldn’t be the first time.
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Stupendous Man easily broke into Camp Swampy’s installation. Security was pathetic. Beetle was sleeping, Sarge was eating, Gen. Halftrack was chasing around Miss Buxley , Mrs. Halftrack was chasing him, Killer was also chasing Miss Buxley, Cookie was washing trash cans,…you get the idea.
As he walked into the main testing area, he could hear piano music playing on an ipod. Brahams, he thought to himself. Or Beethoven, one of those guys. Then, he looked up, and saw a beautiful one hundred foot tall woman with radioactive hot pink skin and blonde hair working on a particle accelerator. Stupendous Man was no prude, but he couldn’t help but wish that Doctor Superlative Woman, PhD had thought to wear underwear today.
“ GOOD EVENING, STUPENDOUS MAN.” She spoke from above.
“ Good evening Superlative Woman.” he answered.
“THAT’S DOCTOR SUPERLATIVE WOMAN TO YOU, STUPENDOUS MAN.” she said as she slowly shrank back down to human size.
And here’s where I come in. I decided to bring in some Sailor Jerry’s for some rum and cokes. Edda didn’t much care for them, but she put up with them. For me.
“What in hell are you doing here, Calvin? I don’t work for Goldberg’s anymore. And dressing up in that cape and mask isn’t gonna impress me. What part of “ no less than a hundred feet away” don’t you understand?” I asked him.
Give him credit, Calvin didn’t crack. “ Good evening, Mr. Bartowski”
I sighed. “ That’s Mr. The Bartender. I had my name legally changed when The Cat And The Curmudgeon sold a million copies. You haven’t answered my question.” By this time, Edda had come down to human size, and slinked her arm through mine.
“ Apologies. I thought I should let you both know. The Conservative is dead”
Without looking at Stupendous Man, Superlative Woman sniffed. “ Yes, yes, we were informed this past weekend. Sergeant Snorkel thought it might have been terrorists. Sergeant Snorkel thinks everything is terrorists. Dreary man. Ruined a perfectly good weekend. “ When Stupendous Man stood his ground and did not leave after he was clearly dismissed, Superlative Woman asked, “ Is there anything else? “
Calvin cleared his throat.” With all due respect, I warned Cat, and I warned Patterson, and I intend to warn the both of you. Some foe with a grudge has risen up against us….I believe…”
I gave an involuntary start as Calvin mentioned Cassandra. Before I could ask if she was okay, then swallowed it, Edda started in…
“ Yes, yes, yes, the world’s coming to an end, la-di-da…..thaaank youu..” Edda said as she wiggled her nose like Samantha on Bewitched, sending and reforming Stupendous Man’s molecules to a point outside Camp Swampy rather further than one hundred feet away.
I called out, “ AND I WANT MY LAST CHECK NEXT WEEK!!”
“Well, that takes care of that, darling. Pour me some champagne, would you?” Which I did. Happily. We snuggled down in the living room area just adjacent to the lab and turned on PBS. She wouldn’t allow anything else on the TV. Except news. And anything she was in. I guess I must have looked upset. “ Are you all right, darling? You seem upset.”
I nodded. “ Stupendous Man is sick. We never got along when I worked for him, and I like him even less now. The sooner Dick puts him away, the better.”
While we watched TV, Edda formed duplicates of herself to practice her ballet routines, practice the piano, re-assemble the particle accelerator, and bake some cookies. Yeah, I didn’t always have her full attention, but she got things done. “ Edda?”
“ Yes, darling?”
“ Listen, I’ve been cooped up here for awhile. I think I just need a night out. Um….Calvin mentioned Cassandra. Now, I know we’ve had problems, but I really think I oughta touch base with her. In case there’s anything to this “toon killer” he went on about. If you don’t mind.”
Edda nodded. “ Of course you should, darling. I’d join you, but I’m having a hard time with the climax of this dance piece, I think I’m close to locating a glunio, and I want to try a new recipe for mint flavored Snickerdoodles.”
Gotta love her.
So, I called Cassandra. “ Hey you.”
For a minute, silence. “ Jamus?”
“ Hi, Cas….I mean, Katina. How’ve you been doing?”
For a second, I thought I heard a sob, but she composed herself. “ Just…just fine, Jamus. I’ve been two years clean last week.”
I smiled. “ I didn’t know, that’s terrific. “
“ Thank you. How’s Edda?”
“ Fine, she’s just fine. That’s kind of why I called. Calvin mentioned that he stopped by.”
“Yeah, broke my lock. Did you hear about Mallard?”
“ I did, yeah, and I wanted to be sure you were okay.”
“ I’m just fine.” Yeah, right, Katina thought to herself. “ Thank you for calling, that means a lot.”
“ Listen, I realized I hadn’t seen you for a while, and I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner? Is Ella’s Deli okay?”
Five second pause. Now, when a recovering addict is…well, recovering, it’s recommended that they cut all ties with the people they were involved with during said substance abuse. Which definitely included me.
“ That….that would be just fine, Jamus.”
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A few hours later, after a dinner of melt in your mouth corned beef with fries, lemon cokes and pound cake sundaes, Cassandra….excuse me, Katina and I were feeling a little better. She looked good. Too good. She was obviously trying to make amends for her past and move on. The changes were more than skin deep. She dressed in a semi formal jacket and skirt affair which, combined with the Sarah Palin glasses and pulled back hair made me think of a librarian. A really hot librarian, but a librarian nonetheless.
“ Dinner was great, hon….Jamus. Are you sure you won’t let me get the check?”
I shook my head and wrote down the amount of dinner for Plato at Camp Swampy. “ Don’t sweat it. Nice thing about being a kept man for the military’s ultimate weapon and cultural icon. Uncle Sugar pays for everything. “
Katina chuckled. “ Must be tough.”
I nodded. “ I know, I know, I shouldn’t complain. Thing is, I haven’t touched a manuscript since “ C and C”, and the only reason I’m kept around is to keep Edda content.”
Katina gently broached the subject, “ Um, how are things with you and Edda?” Shitty, I hope, she thought to herself.
“Oh, they’re fine, just fine. It’s just that I keep thinking, ‘I’m thirty-nine, what have I done?”“ You’re forty, Jamus.”
“ A VERY YOUNG forty. After the book, and the nuclear accident which transformed Edda, my time as Popeye’s superhero apprentice , Sailor Jerry, and our foray into the “Watch Out, Man” group, I haven’t done a whole lot with myself. Do you remember that costume that I wore? I looked like a cross between an extra from “ Pirates Of Penzance” and the Village People. “
I thought you looked cute, thought Katina. “Oh, god, yeah, I remember that…”
We walked around the restaurant, playing with the clockwork puppets roaming the ceiling. There was one of Dick Tracy, The Phantom, Harry Potter….I think Edda even had one.
“I don’t know why we’re complaining. The Keane Act was probably the best thing to happen to all of us. You’re clean and sober, I’m in the lap of luxury….Here’s to Senator Jeff Keane.”
Katina grinned. “ To Senator Jeff Keane. “
We raised our glasses of lemon cokes as Katina’s thumb and forefinger ran across the McCain badge worn by the Conservative.
She whispered. “ To Mallard Fillmore.”
I raised my glass again. He was a drunk and a half-informed pundit, and I agreed with maybe ten percent of what he was about, but he was an associate, and he deserved a lot better than what he got.